Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

“The Perfect Relationship”

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.