Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

oh no, steve’s working tonight

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm