Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
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You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives