Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
You Might Also Like
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Thank you corporation very cool
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My background check bounced.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.