Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.