Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
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My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”