Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

cause of death:
autopsy.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

Feels like the fourth month in January

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again