Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
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Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
long lost
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.