Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
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Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.