Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
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After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news