Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

True.

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD