Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.