Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

My nickname in high school was “who?”

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.