Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

Good advice.

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

Ok but actually

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]