WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
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[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.