Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

murder on the timeline

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered