wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
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I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
accurate
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone