Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

the internet really was better 18 years ago

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen