wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
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Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
it was love at first sight
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself