Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
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Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
shampoo implies shampee
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
“You’d better run, egg!”
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
😤😤
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.