Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

True statement👍😏😁

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

I triple waxed for this?

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?