Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”