ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

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Mary and Joseph watch the 3 wise men leave
M: I can’t believe they went off the registry.
J: I know! Even the son of god needs burp cloths.


It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*


Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.


It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”


So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk


my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be


Thanks to this face I’ve been forced to work on my personality and wit for decades.


If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.