– Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on?
– That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
You Might Also Like
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Women always complain about periods. Talk to me when ovaries become supersensitive, hang in a thin sac and you accidentally sit on them.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I am calling for a truce between emos and kpop stans to take down the one true enemy, Ticketmaster
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
“They are more afraid of you than you are of them.”
-people who know even less about me than they do about bears
The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import)
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.