@T_N_Crumpets

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

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@samuelhlowe

– Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on?
– That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?

@trishm426

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

@NoogsCorner

Women always complain about periods. Talk to me when ovaries become supersensitive, hang in a thin sac and you accidentally sit on them.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

@ThyArtIsMemes

I am calling for a truce between emos and kpop stans to take down the one true enemy, Ticketmaster

@DothTheDoth

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

@justmiche74

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

@hazelmotes1

“They are more afraid of you than you are of them.”

-people who know even less about me than they do about bears

@AbbyHasIssues

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.