WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
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Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me: