wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
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Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
What do you text your spouse?
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*