Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

By Kate Hatos

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

You’re never alone. Theres mold

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.