Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems