Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

Phonetics

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.