Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

christening a ship with an overripe banana

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

Jupiter

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

You saw nothing. I am ham.

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*