Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

I got woken up this morning by the bin men. They were telling me to get out of the bin.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.