Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

This January has 47 Mondays

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”

“Any sides?”

“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.