Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

Spoiler Alert: I was late

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.