Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.