Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”