Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

going to bed

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.