Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

Good morning

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools