wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
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Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”