wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
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I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.