Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?

T A S M A N I A

-Oh shit we called the wrong devils

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

work smarter, not harder

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.