Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

Spotted in New Orleans.

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.