Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

I’d … I’d rather not.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?