Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
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My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
The photographer’s assistant
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
WHY would you be happy about this?
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”