Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

Me: How was dinner?

Husband: Good!

Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?

Husband: …

*Next night*

Me: How’s dinner?

Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!

Me: Don’t patronize me.

Husband: *sigh*

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

Some people were born into their job.

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.