Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
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a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??