Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Air pods looking like an angry frog

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…

Shouldn’t he be working in web design?

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.