Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭