Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
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Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance