Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

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#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’


A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.


Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?


So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.


a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion


Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently


Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold