@prufrockluvsong

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

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@bigmacher

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

@PaperWash

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

@stephenjmolloy

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?

@Mwass_

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

@jonnysun

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

@ShootyDoody

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

@AbrasiveGhost

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold