#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
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Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold