Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.