Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

bias laundering edition

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

Breaking news: