Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

👾👾👾

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

Geez man, take it easy.

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

Every photo I’m tagged in

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision