SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
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People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Dudes named Chance never had one.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else