Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

All is fair in drunk and war.

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

how do y’all walk in shallow water

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

I don’t get marriage

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.