wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
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My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot