wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
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“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh