wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
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Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
If my kids invented a drink.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
oh my god
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
