Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
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humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Wait a second…
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.