Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
You Might Also Like
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.