Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.