Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
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Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.