WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
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“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
My neck my back my allergy attack
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
wishing you and yours all the best
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered