WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
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Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.