Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
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Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!