Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
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Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
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