Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
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People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
A new level of troll.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body