7yo: I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU MOMMA SO I’M GOING TO BED EARLY
Me: OH NO. NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
How is cow tipping even a thing? If I was a cow, and someone came to tip me, I would just moooooooove.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
“YOLO” giggled the 53rd incarnation of Buddha
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.