WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
You Might Also Like
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Good morning, Twitter 😊
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.