Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.