Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

This is my brand.

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

I’ve had worse

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.