Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.