wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
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Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Cinematography is my passion
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.