wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
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It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
They’re the worst 😩
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Warm pools make me nervous.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
And bowling should be called pinball
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee