Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.