Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.