Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

good news everyone

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.