wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
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A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?