wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
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that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
You sure about that?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.