wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this