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@iwearaonesie: wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn't a cat
@AmnesiaRose: *knocks over the 17 Starbucks cups on her nightstand
*answers her alarm clock, "hello?"
@SortaBad: We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!
Me: Neato! I'm a glutton for punishment
Demon: ... *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
@BoogTweets: Horse: *screaming*
Trojan: no, we’re going in the wooden one
@AddledPixie: I hate it when I'm in a rage and suddenly remember I'm not wealthy so I can't hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.