wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
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Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”