Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.